6. Procrastination?

I am applying for my university major. I did not expect this to happen for at least another year.
But here I sit in my baggy sweatshirt, running shorts and iPod plugged in--staring at a word document which I am too afraid to put my thoughts on.
Usually I have plenty to say, and I suppose on this occasion I do too.
It is fear, anxiety and nerves that leave me here listening to music and staring.
The impending judgment.
They will judge my dreams, my goals, my ambitions; all with the power to decide if I get a chance at any of them.
I wrote myself a mantra, it reads:

"I am scared to start my essay for my major because if I fuck this up then it means that I am not worthy of what I REALLY want to do. I should not let this overcome me because if I do than I will be unable to write proficiently and therefore prove myself true because I allowed my nerves to get the best of me."

The problem is that I know what I should be doing, I know all of it but it doe snot help me feel any safer exposing my soul to a stranger.
A stranger who has tremendous control over my future.

It is time to face the inevitable.
I have worked for years to find what I love and to take myself down that path.
I am here now, at the crossroads and I am scared.
Scared of the next step, realizing the implications.
But it is important to take the chance.
I have the assurance and the confidence to know that my ideas are valuable and should be implemented.
This is my chance to share those with someone and have a chance go grow them and reflect on them.
It is a valuable opportunity which I am not willing to let slip by me.


This will be a damn good essay, with my heart prints all over it.

5. Difficult is Good

During the hardest times it is most difficult to find the goodness.
To see the world in a positive light, becomes a chore rather than a fact.
It is not until later that these times bear their fruit.
Often years will past without an answer.
But the day when those answers are supplied will be one worth celebrating.
The moments when understanding is reached and hard times are justified by the goodness they have brought us now.

These moments are precious and it is important to look for them but not too vigorously; for if they are sought after too hard the present will be forgotten and the past will be inhabited accidentally.

4. Compromise

Compromising is one of the most difficult pieces of life.
Understanding that although your position is well-meaning and important--the other person's is also.
It requires seeing beyond the self and looking into their soul in order to comprehend.

Compromise is taught at such a young age because it is a lesson we never fully embrace.
It is difficult to understand how much something means to another, but this is valuable.
It is a way of stepping back, looking at a situation through a holistic manner and sharing.
Sharing the space, the time, the person, the idea.
It is a way of coming together and making something different than what either had originally intended.

Compromise shows love.
I know that often I will not compromise for those I do not care about.
It is a mark of affection and compassion to share and to give another person's perspective the same weight as your own.
It is also important for each party to understand what sacrifice has been made for the other.
No one wins completely and that is the beauty of the conundrum.
It leaves both marginally unsatisfied, yet hypocritically happy that they were able to provide for the one they love--able to come to a conclusion that both can tolerate and accept as being true while still knowing that it was not ideal for either.

These moments are the ones that make or break relationships.
If one person digs in too hard it leaves the second feeling trapped in a place they never meant to be.
Or if understanding is reached and a consensus can be formed then love is given a chance.
The power of laying down personal desires to provide for another is immeasurable.
This dance should not be taken lightly, it should be appreciated for the full weight that it carries and embraced as being challenging yet conquerable.

Only the strongest friendships can accomplish this, only the closest lovers can see from the other's eyes (or at least try to) and can feel their side too.
These are the relationships that last, the ones that matter, the ones who leave an impression on the heart forever.
These are the friendships which prosper through the years because the love and the ability to cooperate is there.

Even if the initial confrontation requires a step back and a few tears--it is worth it, because in the end you know that you were meant to last.

3. Being

I was talking to one of my best friends about simply being. He is one of the busiest people that I know and is used to always being on the run. Often, when he has free time, that too is rushed because he is so used to a hurried life. He called me and sounded somewhat frustrated and confused. He had nothing to do and was not sure how to handle that since he is so unaccustomed to it.
My advice for him was to simply be.
To be outside.
To be silent.
To be reflective.
To be thoughtful.
To be in the moment.
To be without a cell phone.
To be without distraction.
For two hours I recommended that he simply be alive and in touch with himself.
It was great to talk to him about how all of this felt and it helped me to remember how important this is in my life.
A wise friend once told me that it is necessary to say no to some invitations, to deny a few requests and to provide time for personal growth.
In our hurried society, it is difficult to make time for these moments. It goes against everything that we have been taught about productivity and efficiency. But do I dare ask who laid these rules and expectations out for us? Were these people well-meaning and concerned about our growth and development and understanding of life--or were they focused on product and profit, or other societal goals.
I believe in the importance and the power of the individual. Sadly, our society does not. This does not provide an excuse for people to ignore their need to understand themselves and the world better. It should motivate all people to fight for their rights and to believe in themselves and the power that they have to make a difference and to reach new insights.

My lesson lately has been the importance of being, of slowing down and of keeping all things in perspective. I feel much more in touch with myself and my emotions when I do these things and make them a priority rather than an option.
Try it.